grandpa gets it
by a-prickly-rose
Summary: A fairy tale with a twist. All Lovina wanted was to take the goddamn pasta to her Grandpa Roma. She did not want to be stuck with a tomato-loving wolf bastard for the entire journey. [Very Loose Red Riding Hood!AU][Fem!RomanoxSpain][Multipairing]
1. Chapter 1: The Adventure Begins

**Ahoy there maties!  
****Welcome to my first multi-chapter fanfiction! It's loosely based on Little Red Riding Hood. ^-^  
****You'll be finding a lot of ships squeezed into this but the main one is definitely Fem!LovinoxAntonio(Fem!RomanoxSpain ). You can expect Fem!USxUK in abundance too. Those two are just adorable. And there is a lot of genderbending involved. The list is given at the end of the chapter.  
****Also, this my first Hetalia fic (so many firsties xP ) so any OOC-ness is apologized for. I hope you all like this~! Happy reading, folks! Fem!Lovino is so much fun to write, sigh.  
DISCLAIMER: If only I owned Hetalia. If only. But nope. I don't. WHY DO YOU NEED TO RUB THAT IN MY FACE, HUH?**

* * *

**Chapter 1: The Adventure Begins  
**

* * *

Once upon a time, in a house on the outskirts of the Dark Woods, lived two lovely-

Wait, scratch that. No, there was only _one _lovely lady, Feliciana Vargas. As for the other one….well, we can't say that about her.

This not-so-lovely lady, Lovina Vargas, will be our heroine.

Breaking the tradition of helpless damsels in distress, this feisty young female will battle a rather queer assortment of people including cat-loving innkeepers, tea-loving woodsmen, hyper female warriors, completely un-awesome guardsmen, tomato-loving wolves and the like. By doing so, Lovina will prove to all that, yes, women can kick ass too.

* * *

So, let's start from the beginning again, shall we?

One upon a time, a long time ago, in a small, albeit cozy, house on the outskirts of the Dark Woods, there lived a pair of twins, Feliciana and Lovina Vargas. They cultivated tomatoes on the gentle sloping fields and sold the produce at a profit in the market of the small town situated a little less than three hours away. They were fairly well off and all was going well.

But, as such stories go, it all changed on that one fateful day.

Lovina stood at the porch holding a basket covered with a white and red checkered cloth, a red hood covering her head. Ah, it was a sight to behold. Such pure innocent beauty!

Of course, this was until one heard the rather crude language coming out her delicate mouth.

'Why do I have to go? Why can't you go, dammit? Grandpa Roma likes you a lot fucking better anyway. That damn bastard.'

'But LoLo~!

The younger and a _lot_ dimmer twin barreled out of the house and tackle-hugged her sister.

'Now don't say that! Grandpa Roma loves you so much, ve~!'

'Feli-can't-fucking-breathe-dammit _and for God's sake _stop_ calling me Lolo_'

Feliciana Vargas let go of her sister reluctantly but continued to jabber on in her annoyingly cheerful voice.

'You know why I can't go, ve~! The woods are all dark and scary at night. I hate it. But Lolo is so fearless, ve! She can do anything.'

Lovina grumbled but her cheeks were tinged red at the praise.

'I don't know why the bastard went and settled down on the other side of the goddamn woods.'

'He said something about the women being prettier on the other side, ve!'

Lovina groaned, 'That fucking pervert. But I still don't see why either of us should cross that goddamn forest just to give him some goddamn pasta.'

'But Lolo~! It's been so long since he has eaten my pasta! I even used the best of the tomatoes for it, ve!'

Then Feli looked at her sister with _the look._ Her lower lip jutted out and she looked dangerously close to tears.

_Well, shit._

_'_But it will take almost one week to _reach the goddamn place.'_

_Still with the look._

'You'll be all alone.'

_Stop it already._

Lovina heaved a sigh, 'All right, I'll go, I'll go, dammit.'

'_Yay~!_ Oh, I love you, Lolo!' Feli squealed and proceeded to hug the daylights of Lovina-_again._

'Yeah, yeah,'she muttered uncomfortably, extracting herself from her sister's surprisingly strong grip with difficulty.

_Goddammit, she's strong._

'And stop calling me Lolo already!'

'Whatever you say Lolo!' Feli chimed, now jumping up and down for no apparent reason.

_How the hell did I end up with a sister like her?_

'I'll be off, then,'Lovina muttered unenthusiastically, 'Bye, Feli.'

Feliciana pushed her sister towards the woods, hopping from one foot to another.

_Well, someone's eager._

Lovina sighed and started walking towards the woods.

'Take care, Lolo! Don't get eaten by the wolf everyone's been talking about! And you need not worry about me! Luddy will come over everyday to check on me, ve~!' Feli yelled cheerfully.

_Wait, what?_

Lovina turned on her heels and hollered, 'What was that about the potato bastard?'

But Feli had already ran inside.

_So that's why she was so eager to send me off. _

Lovina gaped at the shut door. Maybe her sisters had more brains than she had originally thought.

'Godammit, I'm gonna chop of that potato bastard's head the first thing I come back,'she muttered, fuming. Lovina turned back to the woods with a savage smile at the thought.

To ease the confusion of the dear readers,_ Potato Bastard _referred to Ludwig Beilschmidt, the quiet, serious German boy who had shifted to their side of the woods and lived in the town and had taken a liking to Feliciana's odd behavior. He was anything but a bastard, but our heroine is quite strange, as you might have noticed by now so I beg you to bear with me.

_Feli had said something about a wolf, _Lovina thought as she continued her walk towards the woods, _Well, I probably won't be seeing it. If I do, I can just ram my knife into its gut._

Lovina smiled. Well, it was a lovely day. She did not want to bother herself with that thought now. She added a spring in her step and ventured into the woods, unaware of the adventures to come.

* * *

And so, our heroine started her journey.

* * *

**Well, there it is!  
Genderbent characters:  
Fem!Romano  
Fem!Italy  
Fem!America  
Fem!Japan  
Fem!Canada  
Fem!Germania  
That's all I've decided until now. The list may grow.  
I hope you liked this first piece of mess. **

**R&amp;R IF YOU LIKED IT MY LOVELIES! Next chapter will hopefully be up soon.**

**xxx**

**Rae**


	2. Chapter 2: Ah, Young Love

**Hi~! Thank you for the reviews Polip Wspanialy and Cielorea! You both are awesome blossoms~! Now, without any delay, I present to you the second chapter! WOOOOOOOOP! GO BANANAS! I'M HIGH ON SUGAR ^-^**

**DISCLAIMER: This is called FANfiction for a reason, eh? **

* * *

**Chapter 2: Ah, Young Love**

* * *

Lovina Vargas was definitely, absolutely, surely not lost. She stared at the map in her hands incomprehensibly. She had to just find the little inn, right? She could surely do it; she was not an idiot.

_Yeah, right._

It had taken her less than five hours to utterly lose her way. She had walked over the spindly wooden bridge across the steep gorge, and then walked approximately three miles before realizing that she had taken a wrong turn. But before that realization struck her, she was really, really, _really_ lost.

The trees allowed little sunlight to enter and it was getting dark fast. Lovina never had an problem with the dark but the idea of spending the night in the open creeped her out.

_Okay, deep breaths, you can do it. Just find the stupid inn, dammit._

Tucking the map inside the basket and pulling her cloak tighter around her she moved forward, the hem of her skirt brushing the ground lightly. She had barely been walking for five seconds when she heard a rustling. Her head shot up, her heart thumping wildly. She stood stock still for a while, barely breathing. Nothing.

_My imagination?_

PSHHH.

_Or maybe not._

She mustered all her courage and looked up.

'I-Is anyone there?' she managed to say in a voice somewhat resembling the squeak of a mouse.

_Silence._

She let out a sigh, annoyed at herself. Maybe it was just a small animal or some-

An upside-down head popped out of nowhere right in front of her.

'Hola!'

Lovina promptly screamed and punched the face in its nose. (To the ladies, please take note: This is _not_ a good thing to do to you potential love interest.)

The face – no,_ man_ \- fell down with a yelp.

'¡Ay! That hurt!'

Our terrified heroine stared at the man who had tumbled down, a hand on her furiously beating heart.

'Y-You _idiota. _What the fuck were you doing hanging upside down from a tree, _bastardo_?'

The man grinned, his bright green eyes sparkling, and stood up unsteadily.

'Stalking you!' he said, as if it was the most normal thing one could imagine.

Lovina scowled at him; her fear had dissipated and now all she could feel was irritation.

'Aw, your face is going all red!' the man cooed, 'That is so cute!'

'What the-?' Lovina sputtered as he wrapped his arms around her tightly, lifting her off the ground, and swinging her around like a rag doll.

'H-Hey! Let me down you bastard! Let. Me. _Down_. Dammit.!'

Lovina struggled, screaming incoherently until she felt something soft brushing on her cheek.

_Heh?_

She twisted her head and squeaked. Where the man's ears should have been…..wait, were those_ dog ears?_

Suddenly she was dropped down, the man beaming at her.

'Ah, you're just like a _tomate_! I'm Antonio, _mi tomate._'

Lovina ignored him, staring at his ears. How the hell did she not notice them before? Something swished behind him. A bushy tail.

'You-you…..Why do you have tail? And are those dog ears? What the fuck?' she sputtered out.

The man - Antonio, was it? - ran a hand through his curly brown hair, looking vaguely affronted.

'I'm not a dog! I'm a_ wolf. _I have _wolf _ears_!'_

'….wolf?' Lovina said faintly.

'Wolf!' Antonio repeated cheerfully.

Lovina took a deep breath. _Okay. Okay, so he's a wolf. No worries, no worries. At least he's not trying to kill you._

'You okay, _mi tomate?_'Lovina looked up to see Antonio's face too close for comfort.

She yelped and fell backwards, falling on her butt.

'You bastard!'

'Ah, _triste_,' he said, alarmed. He put his hand forward for her. Slapping his hand away, Lovina stood up brushing her dress and hugged the basket close to her chest with one arm.

'So,' she said, trying to regain her composure, ' Why were you _stalking me, _you _bastardo?_'

'Oh, that!' Antonia said happily, 'You looked lost, so I decided to help you.'

'Oh..'

'And your cuteness helped too.'

'_Bastardo.'_

Antonio giggled – yes, _giggled – _and said, 'So what is your name, _tomate?'_

'Lovina,' she said in a clipped tone.

'Ah, Lovi~! What cute name!'

'It's _Lovina! Lo-vi-NA_!'

'Whatever you say, Lovi~!' he said, 'So where are you headed?'

Lovina scowled, 'It's Lovina. And I don't need your help goddamn hel-'

'It's going to become dark soon~' Antonio sung out.

_Goddammit, I hate this bastard._

'All right,' she said grudgingly, '_All right_, I need to go to this inn called _Neko-Neko Forest.'_

'Oh~! That's Sakura and Herakles' place!' he exclaimed, 'I can take you there!'

'No, thank you, _bastardo._ I have a map. Just tell me where I am and trace out the pa-'

Lovina stopped mid-word as Antonio's ears drooped. He looked at her with a beseeching look, not unlike her stupid sister's.

_Oh, no. He's pulling a Feliciana._

Lovina cringed as he said, 'Pleassee?'

_Stop looking at me that way._

'I want to come with you_, mi tomate_!'

_Ugh, I lose. I hate puppy looks._

'All right, dammit! Just don't talk to me.'

The damn wolf's ears pricked up and his tail wagged wildly.

'_Okay!' _he chirped – or barked?

Lovina huffed and started walking.

'Lovi~'

Lovina turned, 'I told you not to talk, dammit!'

'Ah…yes you did,' he said, pointing towards his right, 'But the inn's that way.'

Lovina flushed and turned to walk in the right direction.

'I..uh.. knew that, _bastardo_!'

'Aw, you're so cute Lovi!'

'_Shut up!'_

* * *

**Antonio is so much fun gihehehehe~! I hope he's not too OOC. OwO**

**I hope you liked this!**

**Also, Fem!Japan is Sakura. Yup, there's gonna be mild Giripan. I couldn't resist. CATS FTW!**

**R&amp;R IF YOU WANT SOME CANDY~**

**Hahaha...ha..ha...that was lame, I know. Hm, we might meet fem!America/Amelia, the dashing hero in the next chapter, SO STAY TUNED ;D**


	3. Chapter 3: A Not So Heroic Hero

**Hola~! Here comes the third chapter of the story! Hope you like it peeps!**

**Cookies to everybody who followed/faved the story! I LOVE YOU ALL HEAPS! **

**And IvyTheKitty, Creative Ninja Princess and Anonymous Guest: thank you for reviewing! You are awesome! XXXXXXXL size cookies for you three! **

**Now without any further ado, I present to you the third chapter~**

**DISCLAIMER: Why am I still doing this thing? No, I don't even own the grass Amelia trampled when she fell. Just no. **

* * *

**Chapter 3: A Not So Heroic Hero**

* * *

'Are we there yet?'

'Nope~!'

There was silence for about one minute.

'What about _now,_ bastard?'

'Nope~!'

'….'

'….'

'Now?'

'You were pretty lost back there, Lovi~ You were going in the opposite direction of the inn. So it is going to take some time.'

'But it's going to get _dark _soon_,_' Lovina whined. She hated the way she sounded but she couldn't help it.

'Don't worry Lovi! I'll protect you~'

Antonio smiled at her enthusiastically. Lovina, ever the elegant lady, scowled at him.

'I don't need your protection, bastard. I'm just tired of all the walking.'

Well, that was true in a sense. Lovina had walked for almost the entire day. But she didn't like the dark. To be honest, she was a little afraid of it.

But _Antonio _didn't need to know that.

'Oh~! Don't worry, we'll be there in an hour so~'

_An hour._

Lovina groaned.

Antonio was looking at her eagerly. She glared at him.

'What?'

'I could pick you up!'

'Not happening, bastard. Not. Happening.'

Antonio pouted and looked at her sadly, 'Oh.'

Now Lovina felt guilty.

_No. Not falling for another stupid trick. No, thank you._

Pushing her stupid guilty conscience aside, Lovina trudged onwards. After a period of pure bliss – that is, silence – Antonio suddenly grabbed hold of her arm, forcing her to stop.

'What the hell bas-?'

Antonio put a hand over her mouth – _Goddammit he's strong – _with his ears pricked. He sniffed the air.

'There's someone else here. Do you feel it?'

Silence.

'….Lovi?'

Antonio looked down to find Lovina glaring at him. She was still in his grasp.

'Oh,' he chuckled, letting her go, 'Sorry~'

'Bas-,'Lovina started but stopped at the sound of a twig breaking.

'They're here,' Antonio whispered, his nails elonganating. His happy-go-lucky demeanor was gone now and his pupils had dilated.

_Well, that's convenient._

'Halt! Who goes th- argh!'

_CRASH._

Something – no,_ somebody _– had stumbled into their way waving a sword wildly and promptly tripped to fall down in a heap in front of them. Antonio snarled, pulling Lovina behind him and for once, Lovina didn't rebuke him.

The person looked up at them groggily and muttered, 'Woah, that did _not _go exactly as I'd planned.'

Lovina blinked. It was _a girl_. Her short and curly blonde hair were mussed and her bright blue eyes were looking at them – or rather, Antonio – with a challenging expression. She was pretty, Lovina noticed, although her face was smudged with dirt. She heaved her sword up and pointed it at Antonio.

'Now, wolfie! Why did you kidnap this fair maiden? Wait, I don't care about that. Just know, fair lady, that your hero, Amelia F. Jones, will save you!'

Here, the girl broke into loud, obnoxious laughter. Antonio claws retracted and his murderous expression ceased to his usual mellow one.

'Ah, I think you're mistaken~'

'Huh?'

'You see, I'm just guiding Lovi to the Neko-Neko Forest~'

'What? Now, that's just lame.'

'But it is true. So, please don't try to kill me,_ si_?'

A sigh.

'Sure, I guess!'

'I'm Antonio! And this is Lovina!'

'I'm the awesome Amelia the hero!'

Lovina watched as they continued to talk, seething silently.

'..and so the duck asked the turtle if he had been bald since birth!'

'No, but the duck had feathers! So the turtle must have hair!'

_What the _hell _are they talking about?_

Something snapped inside Lovina as the conversation turned to talking tomatoes and jumping meat. She was hungry, tired, cranky, sleepy, dirty and just wanted to reach the damn inn. Light was fading fast and the sun was starting to dip towards the horizon. She did _not _want to be travelling in the dark.

'_SHUT UP._'

Both of them simultaneously turned their heads towards her, looking confused.

'_Bastardo_, I think you're forgetting that you are taking me to the inn!'

She turned to Amelia F. Jones.

'And _you! _What the hell are you doing attacking random people? And carrying a sword! And wearing men's clothes! And looking like a fool!'

Amelia and Antonio stared at her and then Amelia leaned her head towards him sideways.

She whispered not-so-quietly, 'That's a feisty one you've got there, bro. I pity you.'

'Oh, she's not always like that, 'Antonio said and then frowned, 'Wait, she is. But that's cute!'

Amelia shrugged.

'Whatever rocks your boat, dude.'

'Stop talking, dammit!' Lovina yelled, infuriated, '_Bastardo_, I'm going. If you want to come, then do so.'

She turned and started to walk off. Soon, she heard footsteps behind her.

'_Mi tomate_, I'm coming with you!'

'And you need not fear! The hero Amelia shall come along too.'

Lovina groaned, not even bothering to tell Amelia off for following them.

_Why are all the freaks attracted to _me_, dammit?_

* * *

'_At last_!'

The Neko-Neko Forest inn stood in front of the trio in all of its shabby glory. Well, it was not really 'shabby'. It had a more of 'cozy' feeling to it. Vines of ivy hugged the walls and the garden was well-cared for. They had surprisingly managed to reach before sunset.

'Well, let's go in, _si_?'

Lovina nodded and walked down the stone path and rapped on the door sharply with her knuckles. The door was opened promptly by a petit woman with chin-length dark brown hair. She looked at each of them indifferently with her warm brown eyes.

'Hola Sakura!'

The woman inclined her head politely towards him and looked at the two girls.

'Good evening. Are you looking for rooms?'

'Er…yes,' Lovina replied. This woman seemed normal which was a welcome relief.

The woman opened the door to let them in.

'Please come in. I'm Sakura Karpusi and I shall be your host. Please don't make loud noises. My husband is taking a nap. And do not step on the cats, will you?'

Lovina walked in, relieved followed by Antonio and Amelia. Sakura talked politely with them. Lovina found herself liking the young woman.

'Yo Sakura,' Amelia started as they started to walk up the stairs, 'Why are there so many cats here?'

That was quite true. Cats were sprawled all over the little inn. Lovina counted at least five of them - and these were only the ones on the stairs.

'Because they are cute, Amelia-san. Herakles loves them a lot.'

'Herakles is her husband,' Antonio informed them, 'He likes to sleep.'

Lovina looked at him, annoyed.

'Everyone likes to sleep,_ bastardo_.'

'But he really, really, really likes to sleep, 'Antonio insisted eagerly.

'That's lame,' Amelia commented.

Sakura ignored their chatter dutifully and slid open a door on the right.

'Lovina-san, you can spend the night here. Antonio-san, do you want a room?'

'Nope! I'll manage~ Thanks for the offer, Sakura!'

Sakura nodded politely and turned to Amelia.

'Let's get you a room too, Amelia-san.'

'Cool!'

Lovina looked at Antonio suspiciously as Amelia and Sakura walked further down the landing.

'What do you mean by "I'll manage".'

Antonio grinned wolfishly at her.

'You don't need to worry about me, Lovi~'

'I wasn't- I didn't- Ugh, I'm not worrying about you,_ bastardo_!' Lovina said, flushing. She turned and walked into her room, slamming it shut.

She ignored Antonio's chuckle and 'Goodnight, _mi tomate!_' and put the basket and her pack on the little bedside table. She burrowed into her bed and sighed softly.

That night all she dreamed of was hyper female heroes, annoying sisters and tomato-loving wolf bastards. Suffice to stay, Lovina Vargas _did not_ sleep well at all.

* * *

**There you go! I do hope you liked it! I apologize for any grammatical errors.**

**Please review! They make me really, really happy x3**


	4. Chapter 4: Not Getting Rid of 'Em

**Hi!  
So this is a pretty late update, eh? Blame it on HetaOni. *goes to a corner and sobs* Italy, my baby! God, who knew I'd get so hyped up over a game? I feel all the feels. So many feels. That doesn't make sense. I don't make sense. WHAT IS LIFE?  
Yup, I'm rambling now, ain't I?  
Onto the 4th chapter! Pretty crappy, but the word 'pretty' is before it so HA! Hehehe...he...he...I suck.  
DISCLAIMER: I own Hetalia. And I'm an alien. _Not._**

* * *

**Chapter 4: Not Getting Rid of 'Em**

* * *

Lovina Vargas stirred as the sun's soft rays stroked her face gently. She smiled, still half-asleep, and opened her eyes-

-to a cat's face less than a centimeter away from her face. She squealed, scrambled backwards and promptly fell off the bed. The cat crept towards the bed's edge and looked at her disdainfully. Lovina could almost hear it say _'What an idiot_.' She growled and untangled herself from the mass of bedsheets with difficulty.

She stood up, wobbling slightly and glared at the cat which was now licking its fur imperiously.

_Bastardo._

She picked it up by its scruff and threw it down, ignoring the cat's hiss.

'Get lost, you stupid cat,' she muttered. Our heroine is definitely not a morning person, eh?

With one last hateful glance at Lovina, slunk out of the window reluctantly. Lovina scowled and looked down at her crumpled dress. She had forgotten to bring a spare. She sighed and stretched.

_Can't do anything about that now._

She took off the cloth from the basket on the little bedside table and peered own at its contents. A small tin box with the stupid pasta. Some knives. Some money. Oooh, and two tomatoes! A grin slipped on her face. She had almost forgotten she'd brought them. She grabbed one and took a huge bite of her favorite fruit. She sighed happily. She hadn't eaten anything since lunch yesterday.

Moving on to the next tomato she picked up her red hooded cloak of the ground. She had been too sleepy to set it aside properly. She gulped down the last of her tomato and brushed the stray leaves off. After doing so, she pulled it on and readied the basket, humming slightly. It was going to be a nice day. She was going to get rid of the tomato-bastard and the hyper female warrior.

Yep, it was going to be a _very_ nice day.

Her stomach grumbled. She was still hungry. Sighing, she made her way towards the door.

'Maybe I'll ask Sakura to make someth- _WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?'_

Lovina glared at the man curled up in front of her door. Said man looked up, his ears pricked, and smiled blearily at her.

'Morning Lovi~!'

'Were you _sleeping _in front of my door the _whole night_?'

'_Si_~! I was guarding you!'

Antonio smiled brightly at her, rubbing his eyes. He pulled himself up to his feet oblivious of the daggers Lovina's eyes were throwing his way.

'You…You…what? Isn't this supposed to be a _safe_ inn, _bastardo_?'

Antonio smiled adorably, '_Si_, but that doesn't protect you from the pervert living here.'

'Pervert?!'

'_Si_! My friend, Francis. He's the cook,' Antonio said, beaming.

_Why am I stuck with this bastard with a questionable taste in friends again?_

'Whatever. I'm off to grab something to eat so that I can finally leave this damn shithole.'

With that, Lovina turned and walked down the hallway. Footsteps pattered behind her as she reached the staircase. Antonio.

_Seriously, this guy's like a lost puppy._

Sighing, she resolved to ignore him and walked down. Glancing around, she made her way through the numerous cats sprawled around. What was it with this inn and cats? When reached the deserted reception area, her nose picked up the scent of food. She followed the smell and stopped in front of a door. Opening it cautiously, she peeped inside. A long blonde haired man looked up at her from the stove, his eyes lighting up with something unsettling at seeing her.

_So this is Antonio's pervert._

'Ah, _bonjour, mon cher_! You must be the new guest, eh? What can I do for you? I'll do anything.'

He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at her.

_I want to punch him._

Lovina scowled.

'I'm hungry. Got anything good to eat, bastard?'

His grin widened and he winked at her.

'Oh, yes, I do in fa-'

The cook caught sight of Antonio who was hovering behind Lovina and his eyes lit with genuine happiness.

''Tonio!' he exclaimed, now completely ignoring Lovina, 'How are you, _mon ami_? It's been such a long time.'

'_Si_, it has. I'm good, Francis! How about you?'

The two started chattering. Lovina felt a vein pop in her forehead. What was it with people completely ignoring her sometimes? She slipped out of the kitchen, unnoticed, fuming silently.

_I'll just go find Sakura._

She opened a random door and paused at the sight in front of her. On the tatami mat, sat a man with messy brown hair and startling green eyes next to Sakura, a cat sitting on his head and another cat on his lap. Sakura was petting a cat cuddled up in her arms. More cats surrounded them, most of them sleeping.

'Hera is….cute,' the man – Herakles? – mumbled, holding up the cat in his lap. He talked like he was going to fall asleep at any moment.

Sakura nodded and said softly, 'Yes she is.'

Herakles nodded too. He turned to look at his wife.

'You are…cute too.'

Sakura flushed slightly.

'Thank you Herakles-san.'

Herakles smiled sleepily and kissed the top of Sakura's head. Sakura's blush intensified at this.

Lovina chose this moment to clear her throat uncomfortably. Their heads whipped towards her – well, _Sakura's_ did. Herakles just stared at her blankly.

'Uh, sorry to break the moment, but – er - I'm hungry and Francis and Antonio have started a goddamn reminiscing party but I'm really hungry and – er - yeah. And I have to pay for the night. And – I'll stop talking now.'

Lovina mentally kicked herself. Could she sound more stupid? Sakura nodded putting her cat down and standing up. Her cheeks were still flaming red.

'Sorry, Lovina-san. I'll, um, talk to Francis-san.'

With that, Sakura rushed out, leaving Lovina alone with her husband. Lovina turned to find him already asleep, cats curled up around him. She blinked.

_Goddammit, this whole forest is filled with freaks._

* * *

'Mooorning! The hero's awake!'

Lovina snorted, still shoveling her food in her mouth.

'Good morning, Amelia-san.'

'_Hola_ Amelia!'

'Yo Sakura! Yo Lovi! Yo 'Tonio! What's for breakfast?'

'Scrambled eggs and bacon_, mon cher_,' Francis said, slinking into the small dining area. He winked at her.

'Or you could have _moi_?'

Amelia looked at him incomprehensibly.

'But I'm not a cannibal, I'm a _hero!_'

Lovina nearly choked on her food. God, this girl was so _dense._ Antonio happily thumped her back.

'So _bastardo_,' Lovina began, 'Aren't you a wolf? Shouldn't you be eating, I don't know, a raw lamb or something?'

Antonio's hand went to his heart.

'Lovi~ I may be a wolf, but I don't like eating my fellow animals without cooking them first!'

'…..'

'….Lovi?'

'…..'

'_Lovi~_'

Lovina dutifully continued to eat her food. Talking with this _idiota _was giving her a headache. His priorities were so messed up.

She felt a poke to her ribs.

'Lovi!'

She turns and glared at Antonio who was looking at her with drooping ears.

'_What_?'

'Where are we going after this?'

'Wait, who said that you were coming with me for the entire journey?'

Amelia turned away from her conversation with Sakura to look at her.

'Of course he and I are coming with you! I'm the hero and he's your dog!'

'I'm not a dog!'

'Aw, come on, aren't wolves dogs too?'

'No! Dogs are not wolves!'

'But_ the hero_ thin-'

'Shut up, bastards!' Lovina yelled, 'You both are _not_ coming!'

Both of the two idiots looked at her.

_Oh no, they aren't doing _that_._

Antonio's face adopted a kicked-in-the-face-puppy look and Amelia's bright blue eyes stared at her reproachfully.

_Those faces are not going to faze me. No. I am strong. Strongstrongstrong._

'Lovi~ We want to go!'

'Pleeassee, Lovina! I am your hero!'

_Those faces. The attack of the faces. _

Lovina stared at the two bastards for a long moment. Finally, she let out a disgruntled sigh.

'_Fine._ Do whatever you want. Bastards.'

She turned back to her food as the two whooped.

_I don't think I'm going to survive this journey, Feli._

* * *

Antonio and Amelia were waving enthusiastically at the owners.

'Bye Sakura! It was awesome meeting you! I'll stop by again soon!'

'_Adiós_, Francis! I'll say_ 'Hola'_ to Gil for you if I meet him!'

Sakura and her husband stood at the door. Herakles' arm was draped around his wife, a cat still on his head. He looked drowsy, as usual. Sakura waved back politely. On the contrary, Francis stood by the front garden's gate waving enthusiastically, wiping his eyes with a lacy handkerchief.

Lovina glared at the two idiots in front of her.

'You've been saying goodbye for almost an hour. Are you coming or not?'

'Ah, _si_! I'm coming!'

'Sure we are! I'm the hero!'

Lovina sighed as her two companions turned and _finally_ started to walk.

_I think that's enough of the freaks, right? We surely won't meet more of these idiots. Even the Dark Woods has its limits._

Boy, was she wrong.

* * *

**Ahahaha! R&amp;R! It makes me so very, really, outrageously, awesomely, bananas happy. I'm so good at making no sense! Excuse the grammar mistakes and stuff. I'm so good at making them.**

**'Til the next chapter then~**

**Rae, out! Wooo~**


	5. Chapter 5: Wankers Wankers, everywhere

**Okay, a warning: This loosely based one Red Riding Hood._ Loosely_. Very, very loosely. And this is a well, fluffy rainbows-and-sunshine fic. Minimum angst. It's a fluffy fairy tale. **

**Here comes the craptastic fifth chapter~ **

* * *

**Chapter 5: Wankers. Wankers, everywhere.**

* * *

'Did you hear that?'

'Well, I'm sorry, bastard but we don't have those freaky ears.'

'Which are totally cool, by the way. They would make me even more of a hero!'

'That's_ heroine_, you _idiota_. _Hero_ is male.'

'But _hero _sounds cooler!'

'You-,'Lovina began, annoyed.

'Shh!,' Antonio cut her off, '_Listen_.'

He motioned them closer to where he was standing. His ears were pricked and his green eyes were narrowed in concentration. The sunlight made his brown curls look almost golden.

_He looks hands- _stupid_. Yes, stupid._

Lovina felt her face burn as she followed Amelia, which apparently did not go unnoticed by Antonio.

'Aw! You look so cute when you blush, _mi tomate_.'

'Shut up! Didn't you hear something, _bastardo_?' she snapped.

'Ah, _si_!' Antonio said breezily, 'Concentrate. Don't hear that weird noise?'

Lovina closed her eyes and focused, straining her ears, completely aware of Antonio watching her.

'Hey,' Amelia said, 'Doesn't that sound like someone chopping something?'

Lovina swallowed slightly and opened her eyes. Yes, it sounded like it. Faint _'thunks'_ were echoing throughout the Woods,

_'_Let's go, then! It could be an axe murderer or something. The hero's gotta kill him.' Amelia said cheerfully, pulling her sword out of its sheath.

_This _idiota_ looks a little too excited. _

'Hey, wait! Where do you think you're going, you idiot?' Lovina said angrily as Amelia started to walk in the direction of the _thunks_.

'_Amiga_, I don't think that that's a good idea,' Antonio said, looking concerned. Lovina glanced at him surprised.

_Looks like he _does _have some brain cells._

'Oh, I'll be fine, dudes,' Amelia said, without glancing at them, 'I'll be back in a minute.'

Lovina and Antonio watched her receding form as she made her way through the trees. Lovina scowled. Oh how she'd love to turn back then and there and leave Amelia to fend for herself. But strangely, she couldn't find it in herself to leave without the stupid warrior woman.

She sighed finally after a moment of internal struggle.

'Alright, bastardo,' she muttered in a defeated tone, 'Let's follow this _idiota_ and make sure she doesn't die.'

Antonio's face broke into a grin.

'_Si_, Lovi~!'

'Stop calling me that, dammit!'

* * *

They had been walking for a few minutes now. The thunks had stopped but apparently Antonio could follow her scent. Having a wolf as your travelling companion was pretty handy.

As Lovina mused on the pros and cons of having a wolf as her – dare she think of it? – 'friend', a scream tore through the air. Antonio and Lovina paused and looked at each other for a split second before breaking into a run.

They barreled into a clearing, almost falling on top of each other.

'Ame- What the hell?'

Amelia F. Jones was sitting on a man's back who was desperately trying to wriggle away from under her. Her sword was lying a few feet away from her. An axe was embedded in a half-cut tree behind them. Wood was neatly piled in the corner of the clearing.

'Yo, dudes! I told you to wait, didn't I?'

'Get…off…me…you…bloody…wanker,' the man muttered, his face red.

'No, I won't! You're an axe murderer! You even have an axe!'

'What the bloody hell are you talking about? I'm a woodcutter, you twat!'

The man's abnormally large eyebrows were furrowed in anger as the two began bickering on whether he was an axe murderer or not.

Meanwhile, Lovina stared at the scene before her dumbfounded and Antonio looked on with a happy smile. So the scream had definitely come from the man. Lovina didn't even realize the scream had been male.

'Aren't they cute, Lovi?'

'Cute? They look like they want to kill each other!'

'Hmm, really?'

'Yes!' Lovina said, annoyed and turned to the warrior and woodcutter.

'Amelia, get off that bastardo's back! He's not an axe murderer!'

Amelia looked at her, pouting slightly.

'Yes he is an axe murderer!'

'I am not!'

'You are!'

'No!'

'Yes!'

'No!'

'Ye-'

'Shut up! Amelia get off him so that we can be on our way. Or else we're leaving without you!'

'I think she's serious_, amiga_,' Antonio supplied helpfully.

Amelia groaned.

'Okay, okay,' she muttered, standing up.

'At last,' the weird-eyebrows-idiot said standing up dusting his breeches, 'Seriously, what is wrong with you, you git? Tackling is not the proper way to greet strangers.'

Amelia snorted.

'Yeah, whatever, dude.'

'All right,' Lovina cut in, 'Let's just be on our way.'

'Please do,' what-the-hell-is-up-with-those-eyebrows muttered.

Lovina grabbed both Antonio and Amelia by their arms and started dragging them in the direction of the path.

_They're like little kids. Idiots._

'Hey, Lovi~'

'What, bastardo?'

'Where's your basket-thingie?'

Lovina froze.

_Oh _merda_._

Letting of Amelia and Antonio, Lovina ran back to the clearing. She barreled past the trees and nearly tripped as she set foot in the clearing.

'Freaky-Eyebrows-Dude, where's the basket?'

'Excuse me?'

The green-eyed woodcutter turned, pausing in the task of wrenching the axe from the tree. He scowled at her, 'What basket, git?'

'Willow-made. Has a tomato engraved on it. A white and red checkered cloth is covering the top,' Lovina rattled off, 'I must have dropped it here.'

'….what?'

'The basket I was carrying, dammit! _Dimmi dove si trova prima di strappare le vostre interiora fuori,' _Lovina spat out, inadvertently switching to her native tongue.

Amelia and Antonio appeared from behind the trees, panting heavily just as Arthur said, 'Look, lass, I saw a little yellow bird take off with the bloody thing. And oi, what does that last bit mean?'

'Which direction?' Lovina demanded.

'Northwards, towards the _Drachen_ Caves. Is that all?'

'Wait, did you just say _'little yellow bird'_?' Antonio spoke up, his ears perking up.

'_Yes. _A very little yellow bird. Weren't you wankers leaving?'

'Oh, that must be Gilbird! He has a habit of stealing things, ' Antonio said, laughing.

Lovina turned to him, her eyes blazing.

'You know the _stupido_ bird's owner?'

'_Si_! He's a very good _amigo_ of mine.'

_What the hell is up with this bastardo and his 'friends'?_

'Oi, stop that, you bloody wanker!'

Lovina turned to see Amelia happily poking the woodcutter in his ribs.

'You're not telling me your name!'

'That's because I don't bloody want to!'

_Poke, poke, poke._

'Fine! It's Arthur! Arthur Kirkland. Now stop that!'

'And I'm Amelia F. Jones, the hero!'

With a final poke, Amelia grinned widely at him while Arthur flushed under her gaze.

'…._git_.'

'Cute~!'

Lovina glared at Antonio.

'Bastardo, stop your ogling,' she snapped, 'And Amelia, leave Eyebrows alone. It's time to leave.'

Amelia pouted.

'But can't Artie come along?'

'Hey, I don't bloody want to!'

'No, he can't, _idiota_.'

'Pleaasee?'

'No.'

'He has a cool axe! That can help us! And he'll be the perfect sidekick for me!'

'Oi, I'm not going to be anybody's sidekick, you twat!'

'Well, you do have a point,' Lovina mused, completely ignoring Arthur, '_Bastardo_, what do you think?'

'The more the merrier~!' Antonio replied cheerfully.

Lovina nodded, ignoring Arthur's protestations _again._

She sighed.

'All right. I guess Eyebrows is coming with us. Amelia, you're in charge of him.'

'Aye, Captain!' Amelia exclaimed cheerfully.

'Hey, I never agreed to this you bloody gits!'

Lovina turned to him with a dark smile.

'We're going to need every man we can get if we have to go to the _Drachen _Caves. And you seem pretty available. Sorry, but you're coming with us, _bastardo._'

Lovina was pissed. No one stole from her and got away with it. That stupid bird and its owner were going to pay and she would do anything to do it – even if it involved kidna-er, _including_ new additions to the small party.

Amelia whooped.

'Looks like you're stuck with us Artie!'

Arthur let out a strangled groan.

'It's going to be so exciting to meet Gilbert again!' Antonio said cheerfully.

Lovina cracked her knuckles.

'Alright, idiots. We're going to the Drachen Caves.'

* * *

And so, the feisty heroine, hyper female warrior, tomato-loving bastard and those-eyebrows-are-seriously-fucked-up began the second leg of their journey.

* * *

**Translations:**

**_(Italian)_**

**_Dimmi dove si trova prima di strappare le vostre interiora fuori : Tell me before I rip out your innards._**

**_Merda: Shit._**

**_(German)_**

**_Drachen: Dragon_**

**Please note that I don't know Italian/German/Spanish/Monkey-Talk. All the translations are done by Mr. Crappy Google Translator. You're welcome to correct 'em if you know the language. I'll really appreciate it.**

**Anywho, I've realized that I swear like Romano. Whoops.**

**R&amp;R, you know the drill. **

**Love y'all heaps!**

**-Rae**


	6. Chapter 6: A Totes Amazing Camp

**Thank you HeadphonesCityActress! Here, have a virtual cookie for liking this! And Anonymous Guest, I shall oblige to your demand. But you'll have to wait, I'm afraid. PruCan shall come your way soon. And everyone who added this story to their alerts, I LOVE YOU GUYS! NOW COME AND HUG ME!  
Moving on...  
****AT. FREAKING. LAST.  
****Oh my goodness, school is such a bitch. I don't even want to talk about that. *shudder* So much homework, guys. So. Much. Homework. *sobs*  
****Well, but I did not die! That's fabulous news, ain't it? But I was pretty close to dying. So close.  
****Ah, I'm so dramatic and making such a ridiculously long author's note because my awesomeness is too much for you. That didn't even make sense. I need candy.  
****And thus, I'm ending this pointlessly long a/n.**

**No shoo, go read the SIXTH CHAPTER *dramatic sound***

* * *

**Chapter 6: A Totes Amazing Camp**

* * *

'The hero is bored.'

'Shut up.'

'The hero is really, really bored.'

'Shut up.'

'The hero should not be bored.'

'_Shut up,_ dammit!'

Lovina turned to glare at the whining blonde.

'But we've been walking for so long! It's getting late.'

'Lovi~,' Antonio spoke up, 'She does have a point. You didn't expect to reach _Drachen_ Caves today, did you?'

Arthur drew a huge sigh.

'Yeah, as much as I hate to do so, I agree with the wankers. I'm bloody tired.'

Lovina scowled at the three _idiota_ in front of her. This journey was getting too dragged out.

'Alright,' she snapped, 'But we're leaving as soon as the sun rises. Understood?'

The three nodded eagerly.

'Understood!'

'I know of a good place to camp out,' Arthur said, 'It's pretty near. Hopefully, we'll be able to reach it under ten minutes.'

Lovina gestured to the front.

'Lead the way.'

Arthur elbowed his way to the front and started to walk. Amelia trotted up to walk beside him, leaving Lovina alone with Antonio.

'Lovi, don't worry. We will get the basket back, _si_?'

Lovina blinked. _How does the bastard know what I'm feeling?_

'Uh…yes,' she muttered uncomfortably, 'Sure.'

Antonio patted her head lightly.

'I'll help you along the whole way.'

Lovina didn't know what to say to that. He looked sincere for once. But then his face broke into its original cheerful, idiotic smile.

'Let's go Lovi~! Or we'll be left alone!'

He grabbed her hand and started to pull her after Amelia and Arthur's retreating figures, oblivious to the red flush that spread across Lovina's face.

'_Bastardo,_' she muttered, but didn't pull her hand away.

* * *

'Oh, this is _absolutely perfect_. Note the sarcasm.'

'Hey! It's the only good place in this part of these bloody woods.'

Lovina snorted and looked at the 'pretty good place' Arthur had been talking about with disdain. It was just a little spot nestled between two huge rocks. It was cluttered with leaves and abandoned firewood.

'And this is supposed to be the _Dark Woods_ remember? If you're looking for comfort, it'll be the last thing you find here. There are no bloody inns after that weird cat inn.'

Amelia punched him lightly.

'Oh, come on Artie! No need to get worked up. I like it!'

She grinned at him. Arthur scowled, his face slightly flushed.

'Shut up, you bloody wanker!'

Lovina rolled her eyes at Antonio's soft 'Cute~'.

'We have to get a fire ready,' she said moving toward the abandoned firewood, 'So, you two idiots really need to stop flirting.'

Amelia and Arthur stopped arguing and turned towards Lovina. Arthur stared at her incomprehensibly while Amelia gasped dramatically but of course, not at what Lovina had said.

'The hero shall rescue the fair maiden from her burden!' Amelia announced snatching the pile of firewood from Lovina's hands.

'What the bloody hell?' Arthur spluttered out at last,' We were _not_ flirting!'

'You keep telling yourself that _bastardo_,' Lovina said while trying to get her pile back from the idiot hero.

Antonio laid an arm around Arthur.

'Ah, _amigo_, you are too delusional.'

'Excuse me?' Arthur said, glaring at him and shrugged his arm off. He stalked over to a corner muttering something about 'bloody gits' and 'annoying wankers'.

Antonio merrily laughed and went to help his dear Lovi who was positively having a tug o'war with Amelia.

After a few minutes of colorful swearing, wild proclamations of being the hero, spontaneous hug attacks and angry mutterings a fire was finally lit in due time. The four sat around the fire quietly as night fell upon them, eating the onigiri that Sakura had packed for them.

Lovina shivered due to the slight cold. Noticing the movement, Antonio laid one of the blankets Amelia had procured from her satchel around her shoulders. Lovina flushed.

'Er..thanks, _bastardo_,' she muttered.

_Ugh, I'm really not used to people doing stuff for me._

Antonio chuckled and pinched her cheeks.

'You're welcome, _mi tomate_~'

'Stop doing- ugh, calling me that!'

'Aw, but Lovi-'

'Alright, that's it,' Arthur spoke up, 'Why the hell are we going to those bloody and most probably haunted caves?'

Lovina looked at him startled.

'Ah, that's right. We sort of kidnapped this_ bastardo_. You don't know.'

'We're going to get the basket from my _amigo_, Gilbert and then deliver the pasta in the basket to Lovi's grandfather!'

Arthur choked on his onigiri.

'Wait, so you're risking your lives for some bloody pasta?'

'Hey!' Lovina snapped, 'My _sorella_ used the best ingredients to make that. We're going to get it back, even if it costs us our lives.'

'I'm going to ignore the fact that I'm included in that 'we',' Arthur grumbled.

'Artie, you gotta stop being so grumpy!'

'It's Arthur, you twat.'

'Anyways,' Antonio effortlessly stopping them from squabbling further, 'You never told us why you were alone in the woods, Amelia.'

'Ah!' Amelia turned to him, 'My sister's really ill so being the hero I am, I'm searching for a cure.'

She smiled her signature grin but there was something off about it.

'Oh,' Antonio said, before smiling at her, 'Well then, we'll try our hardest to help you,_ si_?'

He poked Lovina on her shoulder.

'Wha-,' she began before catching the beseeching look on his face, 'I mean – er, yeah, of course we will!'

'Thanks 'Tonio and Lovi.' Amelia grinned at him.

Lovina flushed.

'Whatever.'

As the silence stretched on, Lovina caught Arthur looking at Amelia strangely before staring at his shoes. She almost snorted. Idiot.

'Are we going to reach the_ Drachen_ Caves by tomorrow, _bastardo_?' Lovina said directing her question to the woodcutter.

'If we don't encounter any trouble, yes.'

'Good. Then let's see we don't fall in any trouble.'

'_Si_~'

Amelia, who had been surprisingly silent for a while, stood up and stretched, 'Well, the hero doesn't know about you guys but I'm totes tired.'

'What the bloody hell is 'totes',' Arthur asked incredulously.

Amelia just laughed boisterously.

'Boy, you're way behind times aren't you?'

With that said, she turned and walked towards her makeshift bed, taking off her armor along the way.

'The hero says g'night!'

The three stared at her blankly as she got comfortable, oblivious to their gaze.

'Well,' Lovina spoke up as Amelia's light snores filled the air, 'Let's go to bed too, I guess.'

'Yeah…'

'Si~'

* * *

**This feels strangely like a filler. Maybe because it is a filler. Ah, sorry. But the next chapter will be completely awesome because of _someone._ *wiggles eyebrows* **  
**I really hope that this story is making you laugh or at least, even _smile_. Laughter is very important, da? Because sometimes your life is so fucked up that you _need_ humor. **  
**So, let me know by sending me a review. And if you just want to _talk_ to someone about _anything, _the awesome me is always available. Just gimme a PM.  
R&amp;R! R&amp;R! R&amp;R!  
*flies away on a flying unicorn that's barfing rainbows***


	7. Chapter 7: Arthur Cooks and Other Stuff

***glomps NaddEchaos, strongwolf4, BigmadOnline, Russian Mochi, FarRarAway for being awesome***  
**FIVE REVIEWS. _FIVE REVIEWS_. Oh my gods adsfghjkl I love you guys x3**  
**You like my story! *sobs with joy***  
**And thus, we have our seventh chapter~**  
**(This a/n was short. I am proud of myself.)**

* * *

**Chapter 7: Arthur Cooks and Other Stuff Happens**

* * *

Lovina woke up unnaturally early that morning. Her eyes fluttered open and she soon became conscious of the warm weight around her waist.

_Did Feli crawl into my bed again?_

She frowned and closed her eyes again and shifted uncomfortably. The bed was hard. The arm tightened around her and she felt something brush her legs. It felt soft. Hm, Feli has a fluffy tail.

_Wait, what?_

Her eyes snapped open.

_Oh shit._

She turned her head slightly to see the stupid wolf _bastardo_'s face. She suppressed a squeak and pushed him away, her heart beating furiously. Mumbling curses, she stood up unsteadily and looked at Antonio who was, much to Lovina's relief, still curled up on his side, asleep.

_Hey, he looks a little cu – no, you're _not_ going there Lovina._

She huffed and looked away. Her gaze fell upon Amelia and Arthur's sleeping forms. Amelia was lying spread-eagled and snoring quite loudly. And she was sprawled over Arthur. The poor man had been trying to get away from her and was now stuck between Amelia and the rock wall.

Lovina rolled her eyes. Amelia was a pain in the ass even when she was asleep. She sighed and started to roll up her blanket. The sun was coming out. They had to leave soon.

She moved to Amelia's satchel and started to stuff the blanket but stopped at the crinkling of paper. She paused and reached into the bag, taking out a crumpled piece of paper.

_Wait, that_ idiota_ knows how to read?_

Lovina smoothened the paper and started to read the surprising neat scrawl on it.

_Dear Amy,_

_It's been a while, hasn't it? Vash was out on business and saw you at the Nordic Tavern in Arden. I do hope you're still there so you can find this letter. _

_I miss you a lot. Please don't do anything stupid for me. Vash told me that you were getting ready to go to the Dark Woods to find a cure for this illness. Please, please don't do this. The woods are too dangerous and I don't want lose my sister. Not after what happened to our parents._

_So Amy, I'm begging you to stay out of trouble. Just come back. Everyone misses you and I really need you to be with me. I don't think I have much time left. I want my sister back._

_Waiting for your return,_

_Maddie_

'Lovi~? What are you doing?'

Lovina hurriedly stuffed the letter and her blanket back into the satchel.

'Nothing.'

Antonio was looking at her, his ears laying flat on his head. He rubbed his eyes sleepily. He looked adorable (Well, not _adorable_ adorable; just a little adorable for a bastard. The bastard wasn't _adorable_. He wasjust adorable.).

'Whatever you say, Lovi,' he said, smiling that definitely not adorable smile.

Lovina felt her face flush.

'Just get ready to leave bastard.'

'_Si!_'

Antonio started to roll up his blanket, humming softly to himself. Lovina turned to the other to members of their little party and stalked over to them. As she looked at Amelia, trying to think of the rudest way to wake her up, she mulled over what the letter had said.

So Amelia had a sister – Maddie – who was sick – dying, from the sounds of it – and wanted Amelia by her side while Amelia ran around the woods searching for a cure. Lovina felt a twinge of sadness for the blond. Lovina herself might act like she doesn't like her own sister, but if Feli were the one dying, she would definitely be more than devastated.

Lovina sighed out, frustrated as she came to a conclusion: She was going to help that _idiota. _Of course, not because she _wanted _to. Nope. She didn't _fee_l like it. She was just feeling – er – _obligated_ to do it.

Lovina broke out of her thoughts as the so-called hero let out a particularly large snore. She scowled. What a girl. She walked towards Antonio and tore the satchel out of his hands.

'Lovi?'

'Shut up, _bastardo_. Just watch.'

She walked over to the other two and threw the satchel at Amelia with all her might. And missed.

'Oi! What was that for you bloody git?'

'For sleeping in, _bastardo._'

Of curse, she had aimed for Arthur. The target was not amiss. Definitely not. Arthur scowled at her sleepily and went to rub his injured arm but realized that it was trapped beneath Amelia. Then he realized that she was almost lying on top of him.

'WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING!? GET OFF ME THIS INSTANCE YOU WANKER.'

Amelia mumbled something under her breath and snuggled closer to him. Arthur struggled to get her off her while Antonio and Lovina watched on, amused.

'That _idiota's_ like a leech.'

'_Si_~ A very, very clingy leech.'

'Oi, help me out here you bloody traitors!'

Lovina smiled sweetly, which was definitely a bad sign.

'Not happening, _idiota._'

'Mornin' everyone!' a voice spoke up – or rather, yelled out enthusiastically.

Amelia smiled brightly at them, looking as bright and alert as ever. And, yes, _still_ clinging on to Arthur.

'Get off me, you twat!'

Amelia looked at Arthur with a grin.

'Mornin' Artie!'

'OFF!'

'Aw, looks like someone's in a bad mood,' Amelia said brightly and finally pulled away. She stretched and skipped over to her discarded armor.

Arthur stood up, his face flushed, and muttered, 'Wanker.'

'Did ya say something Artie?'

Amelia looked at him questioning, her sword in her hand. Arthur looked at her sword, tensely.

'Er, no.'

'Hey, Artie!' Antonio called out.

'The name's Arthur, you twat!'

'Oh,' Antonio looked at him thoughtfully before smiling, 'Oh, I get it! You only want Amelia to call you that, _si_?'

'What? No!' Arthur said, his face flushing, 'Not at all, you wanker!'

Antonio just winked at him.

'_Si, si_,' he said.

Arthur mumbled something angrily before saying, 'So what did you want?'

'Ah!' Antonio exclaimed, '_Dios mío_! I almost forgot. It's this axe.'

He picked up a double-edged battle axe jutting out from Arthur's pack and waved it around wildly.

'Oh, that,' Arthur mused, frowning, 'I found it in the woods yesterday morning. Took it. You can keep it if you want.'

'Really?' Antonio's eyes lit up, '_Gracias, amigo_!'

Lovina rolled her eyes, 'It's a _stupido_ axe. Just don't lop off someone's head with it,_ bastardo._'

'_Si_, Lovi~!'

'Hey, dudes! The hero is hungry.'

'You really need to stop talking in third person,' Arthur sighed, 'And it should be _heroine_ you bloody wanker.'

'Don't bother with the last part,' Lovina said, 'Just don't.'

'Some of last night's onigiri is left. But it's very little,' Antonio said, holding up a little packet.

'Ah,' Arthur said, 'Then shall I whip up something for you guys?'

Lovina shrugged.

'Sure.'

She immediately regretted her decision when she saw the manic gleam in his eyes.

* * *

'I am never eating your food again.'

The four had left their camp after the disaster of a breakfast which included Arthur cooking some horrible things called 'scones', Lovina puking her guts out, Amelia turning green and proclaiming that scones were not made for heroes, and Antonio swearing to eat nothing but tomatoes from that moment onwards. They were well into the afternoon now and had still not recovered from the breakfast fiasco.

Arthur frowned at Lovina, 'You've been whining on about that for almost three hours, you prat. And my cooking is not that bad.'

'Oh, but Artie that is kind of true.'

'_S_i~ I agree with Lovi and Amelia.'

Arthur looked at all of them disbelievingly.

'I can't believe it. You guys obviously have no taste in food.'

Lovina snorted, 'Are you sure you're talking about us_ idiota_?'

Arthur scowled indignantly.

Amelia patted him on the back – hard.

'It's not your fault that you have no sense of taste, dude.'

'_I have a sen-_'

'Oh, look! We can see the top of the_ Drachen_ Caves from here. Or I think so.'

Arthur looked up at where Antonio was pointing, distracted. From between the dense foliage, a little pointy rock-like structure jutted out over the trees.

'Yes, we are very near. Ten minutes if we move quickly.'

'Finally,' Lovina grumbled.

They sped up their pace and soon started to make out sounds. Antonio stopped and motioned the others to do so as well, his ears pricked up.

'-AND WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT LEAVING YOUR POST?'

'Oh, come on Lizzie! It's not like anyone comes up here anyway.'

'That doesn't mean that you should leave your job. I agree with Elizabeta.'

'You both are so un-awesome. Especially you, Piano-Man.'

_WHAM._

'What did you call him?!'

'MY AWESOME FACE!'

Arthur turned to the other three as the strangers continue to squabble.

'I think we're safe. Let's go.'

'_Si_~ And I think I hear Gil~!'

They moved forward and emerged out from behind the trees into a clearing with an opening to the Caves. The three strangers' head whipped toward the noise. The man with the wavy brown hair and a wild strand jutting out, narrowed his violet eyes.

'And who might you be?'

'The hero, Amelia, and her crew!'

'We are not that,' Lovina said, glaring at Amelia, 'I'm Lovina, the weird wolf guy is Antonio and Eyebrows there is Arthur. And that _idiota_ over there is Amelia.'

'We mean you no harm,' Arthur supplied in helpfully.

'I do hope you don't because if not, I will have to do something about it,' the green-eyed girl with brown hair spoke up. A strange pink flower was pinned to her hair and she was clad in a green military-like uniform. But the strangest thing was the frying pan she was holding in her hand.

_Who carries a frying pan around?_

'Hey! Don't take all the awesome lines away from me,' said the albino man with the weird red eyes.

'I don't think that 'awesome' is the word to describe you, Gilbert,' the man with the curl said, pushing his glasses further up his nose.

The albino – Gilbert – muttered something along the lines of 'un-awesome prissy-pants' which led to the girl hitting him on the head with her frying pan.

'Ah, we're being rude,' Curl-Man said and turned to the other four, 'My name is Roderich Edelstein, the fair lady is my wife, Elizabeta and the obnoxious prick is Gilbert. May I ask what your business is in this part of the woods?'

'A little yellow bir-,' Lovina started.

'Gil~ How are you, amigo?'

Gilbert's eyes lit up as he notices Antonio.

'My awesome-but-not-as-awesome-as-me-_freund_ 'Tonio!'

'Great. _All _your friends are freaks,' Lovina muttered.

'What brings your awesome self here?'

'Ah, Lovi's basket was taken away by Gilbird and we came to take it back~'

'Hm, to think of it I did see my awesome Gilbird taking something inside the Caves.'

'We need to go in and get it,' Lovina said, starting to move towards the entrance-

-only to find it blocked by the frying-pan-girl, Elizabeta.

'Now, now, don't do that. Those are the _Drachen_ Caves. _Drachen_. Dragon.'

'…..dragon?'

'Why do you think we guard it?'

'Because guarding stuff is hero-like?' Amelia inquired.

'Shut up,' Arthur said, nudging her.

'Gilbert,' Elizabeta said, 'You're going with them and providing them protection.'

'Why the awesome me? You just want to get lovey-dovey with Roddy, don't you? '

_WHAM._

'ALRIGHT! I'll go, I'll go!'

The disgruntled albino turned to them.

'So, who's up to killing some dragons, meeting up with my awesome Gilbird and rescuing an un-awesome basket?'

'Oooh, me, me!' Amelia chirped , raising her hand.

'Wanker,' Arthur muttered.

Gilbert grinned.

'Well, let's go then!'

As the five bid farewell to the couple and started towards the entrance, Amelia spoke up:

'Wait, who's Gilbird?'

* * *

**Crappy ending. So crappy. Much crappy. Forgive me.  
I'm seeing a pattern here. Almost every chapter is updated on a Saturday. Ooooh, that useless piece of information is so useless.  
ANYHOW, I hope this chapter was good enough. I sneaked in some AusHun. Whoops~  
R&amp;R! R&amp;R! R&amp;R IF YOU'RE AN AWESOME-BLOSSOM MONSTER!  
And now, I take my leave before I'm brutally murdered as I can hear my mother's footsteps coming towards my room. x/  
_ R.I.P _  
_Whiskey Bloodsbane Pincher_  
_ The Awesome One _**


	8. Chapter 8: Tsundere Tantrums and Breasts

**This is a week late D: There's just too much homework. I'm sorry. **  
**I swear the teachers are trying to kill me. Tenth grade sucks TTATT**  
**I hope you like this completely random chapter. Seriously, it's so fluffy and cracky. *shudder*  
I haven't done a disclaimer in the past three or so chapters. Whoops. TRY TO SUE ME . DO TRY TO. (on second thoughts, not really)  
Let me just say before you read another craptastic chapter: _Romano and England are the ultimate tsunderes._**

* * *

**Chapter 8: Tsundere Tantrums and Breasts**

* * *

They hadn't even been walking for an hour and Lovina was already planning on different ways to kill herself. Antonio, Gilbert and Amelia were having a loud discussion about…something she really didn't care about. Emphasis on the _loud._ Their voices sounded all the more high due to the echoes. Lovina grimly decided to add 'Echoes' to the I-Want-To-Kill-Them-But-I-Can't-Because-They-Are-Not-Living-Dammit List she kept back at home.

A huge sigh broke her out of her thoughts. Arthur had come up beside her and looked as irritated as she felt.

'Will those sods ever shut their traps?' he muttered, positively glaring at the three in front of them.

'I wouldn't count on it.'

He sighed again, 'Right.'

Lovina noticed his gaze drawing towards Amelia as she hit Gilbert in the arm enthusiastically and the slight change in his expression. Gilbert in turn waved the burning torch in his hand and replied something about how little yellow birds would totally beat her in a fight.

Lovina scoffed.

'_Mio dio_, could you be more obvious?'

Athur turned to her startled, his face flushing in the dim light.

'What?'

Lovina felt an evil grin spread across her face.

'You really like her don't you?'

'I do not!' he said huffily, 'She is an idiot and a slob and I most definitely do not like her.'

'Denial.'

'It is not denial!'

'_Denial._'

'Hey, shut up, you bloody wanker!'

'De-ni-al'

'Then what about you and Antonio?'

'What about him?' Lovina said, startled.

'He obviously likes you. And you obviously like him.'

Lovina flushed.

'I do not!'

Arthur grinned, 'Now 'denial' was it?'

Lovina glared at him.

'Not one word, bastardo, not. One Word.'

Arthur snorted, 'Seriously, the amount of sexual tension between you both is absolutely sicken-'

Lovina's fist found its way to his face before he could finish his sentence.

'_OW_! Oh my god, ow, ow, ow, _ow_!'

His voice echoed throughout the cave. The other three stopped walking at stared at them. Lovina scowled at him darkly.

'Kesesesesesesesese~ That was _awesome!_'

'Oh dio, that must hurt..'

'Er…Artie? Dude, are you okay?'

'Yes! I'm doing bloody brilliant!' he snapped, clutching his face.

Lovina felt a squiggle of guilt inside her but quickly mashed it. It wasn't even difficult.

'Oookay,' Amelia said, walking towards him slowly as if he would explode at any moment, 'The hero shall help you anyway!'

'I don't- Leave me- Ow, don't touch me there you bloody- ow, ow, ow!'

As Amelia continued to fuss over Arthur, Lovina turned to the other two.

'Lovi~ Why did you do that?'

'He's annoying,' Lovina replied bluntly.

'Kesesese~ I like you!'

'I don't,' Lovina said, glaring at him,'And what the hell is up with that crazy laugh?'

'Kesesese~ You're just jealous!'

Lovina opened her mouth to say something undoubtedly crude and unpleasant when Antonio wisely stepped in.

'So when are we going to reach wherever we are going?'

Gilbert brandished his torch.

'Two days!'

'Two-' Lovina repeated,'Wait, what?'

'Are you deaf kesesesesesese~?'

'Two days? _Two days?_' Lovina screeched out, 'I need the pasta today, _bastardo_! Today!'

'_Need_ is a strong word.'

'I am going to kill you and your fucking bird, you_ bastardo_!'

Antonio grabbed her arms to keep her from lunging at the albino who was laughing obnoxiously.

'Quite a spitfire you've got there, Toni.'

'Let me go,_ bastardo,_' Lovina yelled trying her hardest to pull away from him,'I'm going to rip him to shreds!'

Antonio simply tightened his grasp on her and laughed chirpily.

'Lovi~ It's not Gil's fault, _si_? So stop trying to kill him.'

He hefted her onto his shoulder, much to her chagrin, and tuned to his other three companions.

'We should get going, _si_? We've got not time to waste, after all.'

Amelia grinned and pulled Arthur up with her unnatural strength.

'Alright, dude! Artie's all fixed up.'

Arthur just held his hand over his eye and mumbled something about the woes of extreme nursing.

And then they started walking. With Lovina still slung on Antonio's shoulder like a sack of potatoes. _Potatoes._ The realization set off Lovina even more. She hated potatoes and they reminded her of the Potato Bastard who could be doing anything with his sister at that moment.

And thus, Lovina lost it.

'Let me down! I need to kill that Potato Bastard!'

'Um, Lovi? Potato bastard?'

Lovina beat Antonio's back with her fists, her mind subconsciously registering the hardened muscles beneath his flimsy shirt. And then she proceeded trying to punch her subconscious to finally come to the realization that her subconscious had the number one spot on her I-Want-To-Kill-Them-But-I-Can't-Because-They-Are-Not-Living-Dammit List.

Antonio grabbed her by her armpits and held her aloft in front of her, reminding her off her ridiculously small size which led to her wanting to kill it, but nope, her size was also on the I-Want-To-Kill-Them-But-I-Can't-Because-They-Are-Not-Living-Dammit List which infuriated her even more.

'Lovi?' Antonio asked, concern tinging his voice.

Lovina took a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

'I'm fine, fine, fine, fine.'

Antonio's brows furrowed, his eyes still shining with concern and his ears drooping slightly.

'Are you sure?'

Lovina flushed under his gaze. He looked so ado- _no, we went through this Lovina. Not the 'a' word. Never the 'a' word. _She puffed up her reddening cheeks and slapped them furiously.

'Oh,_ mi tomate_, you look so cute!' he positively squealed out and pulled her into a bone-crushing hug.

'Can't...breathe...dammit...'

'Sorry, Lovi~!'

He put her down on her feet, smiling widely.

'Bastardo,' she muttered.

'So, dudes, are you two done yet?'

Amelia was staring at them eagerly, her left foot jiggling.

'Kesesesese, they're just flirting.'

'I...choose not to say anything because I value my other eye,' Arthur muttered.

'Shut up,' Lovina snapped, regaining her composure,'Let's move.'

'Move peasants! Let the awesome me lead you!'

Gilbert walked forward, his torch held aloft.

'Finally,' Arthur said, sighing and followed him, dragging Amelia with him. Antonio grabbed Lovina's hand and pulled her with him, oblivious to the blush that spread across her face.

And the five walked into the darkness, into the unknown.

* * *

_Somewhere in the heart of the Drachen Caves_

The solitary man looked into his crystal ball at the the five who had dared to enter his domain. His face twisted into a scowl. He had thought that those scary stories and the guardsmen would keep straggles away. He had been proved wrong. And he hated being proved wrong. He felt a fire awaken in him. Anger. Oh, he was angry. So angry. He was going to make those people pay._ No one_ entered the lair of the mighty, untouchable, strongest, supreme ruler of-

'_Gaseum!'_

The man made a rather unmanly squeak as two hands grabbed his non-existent boobs.

'What are you doing here, _aru_? How many times do I have to tell you_ that I don't have breasts!'_

'_H__yeongje_!' the new arrival said, laughing obnoxiously,'But yours are the best breasts ever,_ da ze_!'

'I don't have breasts, aru!' the supreme ruler of ...'_gaseum'_ said irritatibly,' Now what do you want, Yong Soo?'

'Besides you boobies?'

The man drew a long suffering sigh. Oh, how he missed his little sister sometimes. But no, she _had_ to find a husband and settle down. Ugh.

'Yes, besides my...boobies.'

'I was just wondering what we should do with the intruders, da ze!'

'Let them come, _aru_. We will follow protocol '_Attack on Asian_'. Get Leon, Raj, Chenga, Lien and Muhammad. They're going to be on guard. You, Kunga, Mei and Kasem will stay with me.'

'As you say,_ da ze!'_

* * *

**THE ASIAN FAMILY IS LIFE.  
Yay~ It's going to be so much fun writing them. Here are the names I've used:**

**Yao: China**

**Yong Soo: South Korea**

**Leon: Hong Kong**

**Raj: India**

**Chenga: Macau**

**Muhammad: OC!Pakistan**

**Kunga: Tibet**

**Mei: Taiwan**

**Kasem: Thailand**

**Lien: Vietnam**

**Yes, I'm using more than the normal six members. Sue me. Aaand, I added a Pakistan OC just for the fun of it. Beep Boop Bop.**

_**TRANSLATION:**_

_**(South Korean)**_

_**Gaseum: Breasts!**_

_**Hyeongje: Brother**_

**So does anyone else keep a ****I-Want-To-Kill-Them-But-I-Can't-Because-They-Are-Not-Living-Dammit List? I do. I'm awesome.**

**R&amp;R! R&amp;R! R&amp;R!**

**RAE LOVES YOU ALL SO MUCH!**


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